During Kelly’s sudden absence from Cwmderi, we discover that she is attending a ‘Silence and Mindfulness Retreat’— which seems rather out of character for Kelly. We are fortunate that she is recording some aspects of this time.
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Thursday 3 March 2020
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"Right, is this recording now? Here we go"
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Kelly, last seen departing from Cwmderi in John Post’s taxi, is sitting in a sparsely-furnished room, and adjusts her phone, which is set to record video.
She begins, “Right, is this recording now? Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3 and all that. OK, erm, right, here we go.
“Day 1 – ‘Silence and Mindfulness Retreat’. I’m not meant to be talking – and I’m meant to be keeping a diary – my ‘Mindfulness Diary’.”
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| This is supposed to be her 'Mindfulness Diary' |
She shows a notebook to the camera.
“What I’ve seen today, what I’ve smelt today, and three things I’m grateful for today.
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| "No-one else is going to see this, apart from me" |
“I’m not going to spew my experiences into a notebook, like year 13, so I’m going to talk – because no-one else is going to see this anyway, apart from me, and I think it will keep me sane, because there is no wifi here – disaster!
“OK, serious though, I don’t know what I want out of this, actually I can’t believe I’m here.
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| "Kelly, on a silence retreat, like – bizarre!" |
“Kelly, on a silence retreat, like – bizarre! A little bit of peace, maybe, clarity, I guess, just being on my own – but technically, I’m not on my own. There’s like ten other women here, and we’re not meant to talk – not even polite conversation.
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| "We have to try and 'be present', apparently" |
“We have to try and ‘be present’, apparently – whatever that means – and I’m really bored – like, seriously, I’m really bored. And that’s fine, apparently – and I really want to text Jason . . . really want to text, but that’s not fine.
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| "I'm not going to text Jason – for now" |
“So I’m not going to . . . I’m not going to text Jason – for now. Yeah, just time out – after everything, I think I deserve it.”
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| "Mung Bean Casserole!" |
The sound of a gong can be heard; she explains, “Supper gong – Mung Bean Casserole!”
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| She does not relish the thought |
Kelly does not look enthusiastic.
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Thursday 12 March 2020
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| "Three down, eighteen to go" |
Kelly is today wearing a maroon tracksuit, and begins by saying, “I’m still here – day 3. Three down – eighteen to go. Who am I, like? Who is Kelly? Where do I want to go? What do I want to achieve?
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| "I've been feeling really lonely – and lost" |
“Do you know what? It’s no joke – I’ve been feeling really lonely – and lost.
“And I think back, and I think of . . . I don’t know why, but I have this image of me – I don’t know – maybe nine years old.
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| "I was in my bedroom, wearing a bathing costume that was way too small" |
“And it’s like having a flashback, because I was in my bedroom, wearing a bathing costume that was way too small for me, staring out of the window. And the family next door, splashing around in a paddling pool – they looked so happy – like really, really happy.
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| "We've been doing meditation today" |
“Meditation – we’ve been doing meditation today, and Jen, one of the tutors, who’s allowed to speak because she’s one of the tutors, said it’s like riding a bike.
“I was like, ‘You’re not kidding me, Jen, that’s why I’m always falling off, Jen.’ I didn’t actually say that, but I did think it. Yeah – so observe, and let go – that’s what you’re meant to do.
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| "Observe your thoughts, then let them go – easier said than done" |
“So you’re meant to observe your thoughts and then let them go. Easier said than done, though.
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| "I went for a walk – and that was lush!" |
“Anyway, I had a vegan risotto – it was all right, and then I went for a walk – and that was lush! It was like being in the middle of Narnia – the trees smelt lush.”
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| "What did you smell today? Pine trees – there, I can do it!" |
She picks up a pine twig from her bed, and sniffs it; “What did you smell today? Pine trees – there we go, so I can do it! But then I started to panic because it was getting darker, and I was, ‘Oh my God, I don’t know where I am! I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know how to get myself back.’
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| "No, Kel, slow down – whoa now!" |
“There were no maps on my phone, no signal. I was like, ‘No, Kel, slow down – whoa, now! Hang on a minute – just breathe – slow down.’
“Then I heard the river, and thought I’d go to the river, and I followed the river all the way back to here. Like – empowering or what? So I can do it – I can find my way back.
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| "I am going to find my way back" |
“And I’m determined – I’m determined to do it,” she continues, as her voice falters with emotion; “I am going to find my way back.” She smiles.
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Friday 20 March 2020
Kelly is today walking in the grounds of the retreat; “Stability – that’s what we all want – that’s what I want anyway,” she begins, “Routine, predictability, consistency – boring, perhaps,
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| ". . . but when you haven't had it, you crave it" |
but when you haven’t had it, you crave it. Because you know where you are then, don’t you? Do you know what I mean?
“You wake up, wash, dress – I don’t know – if boring is not seeing your mother spewing into your PE bag on your way to school;
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| "Spo you can't hear the screaming, shouting, crying, slamming, smashing" |
“If boring is not having to turn up the volume on the telly so you can’t hear the screaming, shouting, crying, slamming, smashing;
“If boring is having your father walking into your bedroom every morning to wake you up to go to school – I’d have taken that any day of the week.
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| "Something called 'Loving-kindness Meditation'" |
“Anyway, so today we’ve been doing something called ‘Loving-kindness Meditation’. Basically you have to imagine this light, so you, yeah, you imagine this light in your heart. I think she called it ‘loving glow’.
“So this light spreads out to people in the room, and then to your family, and then your friends, and then to people you don’t know, acquaintances and then to people that have really hurt you in your life.
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| "So obviously I started thinking about Ed – and Moc and Dafydd" |
“So obviously I started thinking about Ed – and Moc, and Dafydd, and then I just ran out of the room. I don’t know – I think I felt ashamed, embarrassed.
“Yeah, I know I felt ashamed and frustrated because why do I have to speak about the past?
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| "The past is the past, like, get over it, like!" |
“The past is the past, like, get over it, like. Get over it!
“But why do I make the same mistakes, and why do I go for the same men?
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| "All I want is for someone to love me like I love them" |
All I want is someone to love me like I love them – I don’t want to obsess about my past failures.”
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Friday 27 March 2020
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She thinks before speaking
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Kelly begins with a long pause after she switches her phone to record;
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| "The bloke next door always smiled at me" |
she looks pensive and says, “I remember, erm, the bloke next door always smiled at me – that’s not weird, but I guess it was kind of creepy.
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| "That day I saw his children in the paddling pool" |
“Mam was always, like, ‘Don’t speak to him – he’s a pervert.’ What? But that day I saw his children, son and daughter, younger than me, splashing in the paddling pool, he was on a deckchair, a can in his hand, feet in the paddling pool.”
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| "They were splashing, and looked really happy" |
She laughs as she recalls, “And they were splashing, splashing, splashing – I remember he was just laughing, they all looked really happy. I don’t know if I was a little bit jealous or what – I don’t know.
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| "She was like the cutest thing ever" |
“Anyway, his little daughter spotted me in the window – she was cute – like the cutest thing ever. She was like, ‘Come and play with us, Kelly, come and play with us!’
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| "My bathing costume was five sizes too small for me" |
“So there I was in my bedroom, in a bathing costume five sizes too small for me, and I was, like, ‘Yeah, go on then, why not?’ Grabbed a towel, went downstairs, I didn’t know where Mam was – and then I was about to go out through the front door.
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| "Mam asked, 'Where are you going?'" |
She stopped me and said, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’
“Well, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, so I said honestly, ‘OK, well’ . . . I don’t remember what . . .
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| "I remember being upset" |
“actually, I do, I remember being upset.”
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| She takes a deep breath |
Kelly leans back on her bed and takes a deep breath, before continuing, “I can remember Mam crying by the kitchen table – not just crying, like, howling.
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| "I thought she was drunk – that was nothing new" |
“I just thought she was drunk, because that was nothing new – and then she was mumbling, and I don’t know – she wasn’t making any sense. Some thing like, ‘Lasting long,” I don’t know – I might have blocked it out, perhaps.
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| "She told me not to speak to him . . ." |
“Actually, no, I do remember her saying, ‘I’ve told you not to speak to him.’
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| ". . . so I kept my distance" |
“So I kept my distance.”
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| She does not say anything else |
Kelly looks very thoughtful for a few seconds, before turning off her phone.
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Wednesday 1 April 2020
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"It's meant to be lights out by nine – but sod that!"
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Kelly turns on her phone, and thinks for a moment, then explains, “It’s meant to be lights out by 9:00pm – but sod that!”
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| "Tonight we've been doing 'deep work'" |
Obviously feeling very emotional, she continues, “Tonight we’ve been doing ‘deep work’, as Jen calls it – so we’ve been reading a beautiful poem, actually a really amazing poem by someone called Rumi. We had to find a word in the poem that . . . we found challenging.
“Like any word, so people had chosen – I don’t remember – ‘pain’ was one and ‘sorrow’ was another.
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| "I chose the word 'mother'" |
“I chose ‘mother’.”
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| "I can still smell him – I can still see him" |
She sighs and pauses for a few seconds; “I can still smell him – I can still see him, staring into my eyes as I stared back. We just melted into each other.” She laughs as she recalls this;
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| "I was scared to blink and break that connection" |
“I remember thinking, ‘God, I’m really scared to blink,’ because I didn’t want to break that connection, and like, checking on him every five seconds just to see if he was breathing.
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| "I've never felt love like that" |
Shaking her head, she declares, “I’ve never felt love like that,” and tears come to her eyes;
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| "It's just, like, mind-blowing, overwhelming love" |
“It’s just, like, mind-blowing, overwhelming love, where you just know someone really needs you – and they depend on you.
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| She is scarcely able to speak |
By this time, she is scarcely able to speak, and tears are trickling down her cheeks.
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| "And that's why I know I've done the right thing" |
“And that’s why I know I’ve done the right thing – I know I have, Kelly insists, “I know everyone doesn’t agree with me, but I’ve done it because I do love him – because I do love him – passionately love him! I just want everyone to know that,” she sobs.
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| "Why can't people accept that?" |
“Why can’t people accept that? Why can’t people believe that? And I wonder now if that’s why I’ve been in relationships that are doomed from the start.
“Because I really need, really need someone.
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| "I'm not just the gobby, cocky Kelly – I deserve love" |
“I want people to accept that I’m not just the gobby, cocky Kelly, everyone’s friend – but I’m . . . more precious than that. And I deserve love, because I can love.” She wipes away the tears.
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| "Mam was like some kind of goddess when I was young . . ." |
“I did – I do love Mam – I idolise her. Wow, gosh, she was like some kind of goddess to me when I was younger. I remember the way she flicked her hair – I remember the smell of her perfume – gosh, she was just amazing.
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| " . . . but she was messed up too" |
“And then you grow up and you realise she was messed up too, like – not that I blame her, but, you know, is that why I’m a little messed up, like? I don’t know.
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| "I didn't want that for my son – Paul deserves better" |
“I didn’t want that for Paul – toxic parent raises messed-up child, who becomes toxic parent. Pattern repeating itself – it’s not fair, like it’s not fair!” She stops and thinks, deciding, “He deserves better – Paul, my son . . . we all deserve better.” She turns off the phone.
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Monday 6 April 2020
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| "I can't believe I'm going home tomorrow!" |
Kelly is once again out in the grounds of the retreat; she excitedly says, “So, I can’t believe I’m going home tomorrow – aah!
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| She has grown to quite like Mung Beans |
“I know I’ve been dissing Mung beans, right, but actually I’ve started to like them, like. Seriously though, I am going to miss this place –
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| She hoped to 'dump some rubbish' . . . |
“I’m going to miss the silence, and the things that come out of the silence. I had hoped to dump some rubbish whilst I’ve been here – I don’t know if I have, like.
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| . . . but has probably 'sorted it into bin bags' |
“Perhaps it’s just more organised – I have sorted it into bin bags, at least.”
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| "I know everything about repetitive patterns" |
She smiles as she goes on, “So, to recap, OK, I know everything about repetitive patterns by now – I could write a dissertation, PHD, whatever, about it, but this is perhaps going to sound really weird, I don’t know.
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| She is wary of falling over something |
She looks behind her, as she is walking backwards through the gardens while speaking to her phone;
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| "Is that what Jason is – another mistake?" |
“I’ve never learnt how not to repeat my mistakes – and then I think, like, is that what Jason is? Repetitive pattern – another mistake? I don’t know.
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| "It has always 'felt right'!" |
“How do I know if it feels right when it’s always ‘felt right’? I could murder a flat white and a jam doughnut right now!
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| "I'm going home – and I'm terrified!" |
“I’m going home – and I’m terrified!”
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| "If it's not OK, I can handle it!" |
However she looks much happier, and is convinced, “Everything will be OK – and if it’s not OK, I can handle it!”
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| She turns off the phone |
She giggles as she turns off the phone.
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